Reflections for a past self…

Last week, I wrote a blog while feeling defeated by the constant travel of being an opera singer. It’s a lot of big feelings for being late by 10 minutes… small results. This week, I wanted to write about what a shift in mindset has done for my confidence and well-being. Big feelings, big results!

(Post-performance of the IOS Gala at Opernhaus Zürich, 2023)

I have found an overwhelming amount of my colleagues in this field are incredible and inspiring. Most of whom have made the same sacrifices I have: Being/moving away from home, learning new languages, constantly being in new cultures, and always being forced out of the comfort zone. I’ve found that being an opera singer has pushed me to become more open and learn how to re-think, especially while being abroad. When I was in the International Opera Studio at Opernhaus Zürich, I was among 19 young artists representing 16 countries.* I was interacting daily with people from different cultures, religious views, upbringings, political beliefs, etc. Yet everyone is there with a shared goal: A desire to make music, tell stories, and communicate at the highest level.

As I’ve been exposed to more experiences like this, gained experience in the field, and had  countless wins and losses, I’ve come to learn a great deal about myself. In this blog post, I wanted to reflect on an area where I was hurting myself in the past: How holding myself and others to extraordinary high standards was absolutely detrimental to my confidence and mental well-being.

This is what I’ve learned: be positive - inward and outward.

Sounds easy, but it’s taken years of work and inner practice. I’ve learned to be much kinder to myself and as a result and I’ve noticed a shift of energy around me. No more depression spirals, imposter syndrome is much less persistent, and my sense of self has become loving and healthy.

(Taking photos at golden hour with my friend, Freya. ☺️)

As a student/young artist, I hate to admit that my perception of other singers could be harsh. I was judgemental of technique, preparation level, rehearsal etiquette, etc. Many of the people I surrounded myself with would reflect this mentality similarly. The weird thing is, I couldn’t recognise in myself that I was so critical - only in retrospect that I can see it. I often became acutely depressed and in desperate search for “finding myself”. I ALWAYS believed people around me thought negatively towards me or didn’t like me. Whether it was true or not, I was stuck at needing validation from my peers and would get lost in myself without it. Downward spirals were looming and common.

At a critical point in my personal development, I realised that it wasn’t other people who had negative feelings towards me OR that I was “good at reading people” (spoiler alert: I’m not). Instead, I had these negative thoughts towards myself and then I believed that people around me would be thinking the same. In reality, there is absolutely no way I could discern what was a true or not. I’m not a mind reader! Quite frankly, it’s not really my problem if they disliked me in the first place! My perception was so toxic to myself that it poisoned me from the inside, causing the depressive and anxious episodes.

Desperate for change I tried a new practice: I deliberately chose not to read other people’s expressions or read into every interaction. I also started giving more compliments. These two changes made a WORLD of difference for me! What ended up happening my brain would start thinking lovely things about the people around me while forgiving/not dwelling on any misgivings.** Another result was that I started believing that everyone else was thinking the same about me… or not at all (the more likely of the tw0). I told myself that if anyone was upset with me, it was their responsibility to come to me, my agent, or company manager. This mindset saved me from my inner self harm and restored my confidence. I couldn’t say if this would work for everyone and I might not read a room correctly, but for me the small sacrifice is absolutely worth it.

OF COURSE there will be judgemental people in the field and it’s absolutely impossible to be universally liked (personality-wise or vocally). It’s a subjective art form and a vast majority of the people with whom I work are trained to listen to voices critically and offer constructive feedback. This shift in mindset really helped to neutralise compliments and criticism equally so I can still grow and take feedback. However, do I try to pay attention to how certain conversations make me feel. I’ve realised I do better around people who celebrate others’ success rather than those who focus on negatives or are hyper-critical.

Over time, I’ve learned to become a real cheerleader to my friends, loved ones and colleagues. I’ve retrained my brain to jump to the positive far before the negative. Now, I think much more positively/healthily about myself and have surrounded myself with cheerleaders in my inner circle. It’s been a much healthier way of living for me and I haven’t had depressive episodes since. I’m far from perfect, but this mindset has completely changed my work and my life. ❤️

TLDR; Confidence recipe: Give compliments. Think nice things about people. Don’t believe that others are thinking negatively about you.

*Countries represented by IOS 22/23: Canada, Switzerland, South Africa, Poland, United Kingdom, America, Romania, Armenia, Portugal, Ukraine, Spain, South Korea, Germany, Iran, Russia, Mexico
**A big exception for crossing of boundaries and believing survivors of SA.